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An Existential Approach to Counseling: What Is It About?

[Key Words: philosophical approach, taking stock of life, anxiety, exploration of values, death/finitude, isolation & relationships, meaning & purpose, the four dimensions]

Introduction

The following essay delineates ten points that people can consider when embracing an existential approach to counseling. People hear the word existentialism, and often wonder what it is all about. It sounds so academic, perhaps high-brow, or bespeaks of esoteric discussions in philosophical circles, cafes, or coffee shops. The following discussion simply outlines in broad strokes some of the exploratory paths an existential approach to counseling can take.

I. A Philosophical Approach

Existential psychotherapy, rather than being an approach based on a medical model that addresses clients in terms of diagnoses and cure, is a philosophical approach that asks and challenges clients to explore what they want their lives to be about, how they would like to live, and how they would like to make changes in the way they are living now. As a philosophical approach, clients are not asked to be academic philosophers, but are encouraged to ask questions about what they like and do not like about their lives so as to make the kinds of changes they want to make.

II. Contemplative

A. Taking Stock of Life

If clients are asked to explore ways they would want to make changes, then they should be comfortable with the fact that existential psychotherapy is a contemplative endeavor. Psychotherapy can become that time and space that individuals set aside to step back from daily routines and reflect on what their lives are about. From an existential perspective, clients can take stock of their lives and decide what they like and what changes they want to make. An existential approach engages clients as though they are responsible for how they shape their lives.

B. Exploration of Values

One important avenue that individuals can explore as their taking stock of their lives involves the values that they claim to hold and by which they declare to live. Psychotherapy can help individuals clarify whether or not the values they claim to hold are in fact their values. Many times people may come to realize that the values they espouse are really not ones by which they would choose to live. They may discover that some values they have always claimed to believe are ones, instead, they have inculcated from their family, social milieu, or culture in which they live. Psychotherapy becomes a process by which people can decide what they truly value.

III. Existential Anxiety

If people seek to take stock of their lives, explore their values, and simply take the time to contemplate life, then such decisions can bring on anxiety. Existential anxiety revolves around the fact that people are responsible for making choices for their lives. If a person does not like the course by which his or her life has taken, is he or she willing to make necessary changes to alter that course? Such a decision involves taking risks, making choices, and being responsible for those choices. If people conclude that the values by which they are trying to live are, in fact, not ones they have truly chosen, then they are faced with a decision. They must choose either to go on living in an inauthentic way, or to live authentically by stepping into the values they would choose for themselves. Again, such a decision involves the anxiety that comes with being responsible for one’s choices and one’s course of life. Some people enter psychotherapy not fully understanding the day-to-day anxiety they experience and from where it emanates. Existentialists tend to believe that one of the toughest decisions that people make is to become their authentic selves.

IV. Death/Finitude

The ultimate limiting situation that people face is their finitude, the fact that one day they will die, along with the fact that they do not know when that time will come. Rather than being a morbid preoccupation, the topic of one’s death or finitude highlights the limited time one has on this side of life. Hence, it behooves people to live fully, to know what they want from life, what they in fact value,, and live toward the end they set for themselves. Time is of the essence. And sometimes people enter psychotherapy, perhaps believing that they are wasting their time away and want to seek a more fulfilling life. Perhaps they believe that they have lived their lives according to the dictates of others rather than exercising the freedom they have to shape their own lives. Or perhaps they believe they have lived their lives overcautiously, not taking risks and going after the kind of life they would prefer to live.

V. Existential Isolation & Relationships

All people face the important choice of how they would like to related to others. Relating, particularly on an intimate level, involves risk and vulnerability. People tend to search for ways to navigate pulling back from relationships to stay safe on the one hand, while, on the other hand, risking the vulnerability to know and be known. Such tension appears to be part of living. Existential isolation, however, involves more than mere interpersonal isolation. There is a sense that we are all alone on some level, in that no one can decide our lives for us, what values we should hold, or what choices we should make for our lives. So even the choice to relate or how to relate is one that people have to make for themselves. To abdicate this responsibility and hand decisions for our lives over to others is, in fact, a choice that has consequences like any other choice. Abdication of personal responsibility for living usually results in consequences that are dire for the abdicator. Many people enter psychotherapy dealing with interpersonal loneliness, only to also find that they have a difficult time learning to be alone with themselves. An existential approach can help individuals explore how they might navigate the tensions between the desire to relate and the need to recognize our existential isolation.

VI. Meaning and Purpose

To deal with questions of meaning and purpose in one’s life can bring about a multitude of reactions. For some individuals, the question is exhilarating, and one about which they are passionate; they desire with all their fiber to answer the questions of personal meaning and purpose. For others, the questions of meaning and purpose in their lives are frightening ones; many times they would rather avoid the question altogether. But the haunting question of what our lives are all about swirls in the back of our minds, and at times emerges with full force to produce emotions and to lead us to evaluate honestly our ways of living. Do I have some kind of understanding as to why I am here, and what I am to do with the life given me? At times, people enter psychotherapy to explore that very question. Although the question creates anxiety in our lives, from an existential perspective, it is an all-important question with which to struggle, and a question about which we should come to conclusions.

VII. Freedom and Responsibility

If it were up to most of us, at least part if not most of the time, I think we would pass the responsibility for our decisions, indeed our entire lives, off to someone else. At least that’s the way it seems at times. It’s easier that way. However, from an existential perspective, choices have consequences. The tendency of our culture today is to blame others for our predicaments. We blame society, our parents, politicians, and who knows what or whom else. Taking responsibility for one’s choices is an important theme in existentialism. Freedom and responsibility does not mean that things don’t happen to us over which we have little to no control. In fact, one key point of existentialism is the need to recognize that there is much more that is out of our control in our lives than is in our control. It’s rather hubris-filled to believe otherwise. However, as Viktor Frankl held, the one thing in our control is our attitude toward life and what it brings our way. Many times people enter therapy with an excessively blaming attitude; or they feel frozen and fearful of making choices and living out where those choices may take them. There is no guarantee that we will not make some bad or wrong choices for our lives; however, we can learn from our failures as well as our successes, but only if we embrace the responsibility for those choices within our power to make. How we respond to the storms of life is as important as how we respond to times of smooth sailing.

VIII. Self/Identity

Who am I? Many people find the task to describe who they are a difficult one. We tend in our culture to use our career as one marker for our identity – I’m a professor, I’m a banker, I’m an architect, etc. The loss of self is prevalent today in our culture; some question whether there is such a thing as a self. From an existential perspective, this indeed is a loss. I’m alway intrigued by the claim that our culture is too individualistic. I believe we live in an age of collectivism and conformity as much as any time in our culture’s history. Many people enter therapy because they simply do not know who they are. They have lost that line between what values they hold and what others have told them to value. Existential therapy can help people explore who they are, and how they want to live. From the perspective of existentialism, the confusion over whether or not a self exists lies in the search for a solid, unified self. Existentialists hold that the self is always in process. Our understanding of ourselves is always evolving and growing. The existential emphasis is not on static being, but on the self-evolutionary process of becoming.

IX. Time

People come into therapy living in various dimensions of time, either captured by their past or enslaved to some idealistic view of the future, both of which prevents them from living in the here-and-now. No doubt, time is an important factor in our development and the planning of our lives. But some people believe that they cannot live the kind of lives they want because of their past. Other people put off living their lives for some future Nirvana they believe will unfold toward some perfect, utopian life. Navigating time is an important skill for living, both in learning from our past experiences and skillfully planning for our future endeavors. However, both the past and the future can lay claim to our living in the present in a way that robs us of living altogether. Existential psychotherapy helps clients understand that they live in time, but that time is always unfolding, making life a continuous process. Living in the past, or becoming lost in the future is no way to live.

X. The Four Dimensions

I will discuss the four dimensions of existential exploration in another article. Let it suffice here for me to say that in my work, I draw on the conceptualization offered by Emmy van Deurzen and her work within the British School of Existential psychotherapy. From this perspective, existential work involves engaging the dimensions of the physical, social, personal, and spiritual. I seek to work holistically, integrating these various dimensions of living. Whether one is struggling with somatic concerns, relationships, personal questions of identity, or spiritual/religious concerns, nothing is off limits for existential work. Are you dealing with bodily  and chronic pain, eating concerns? Are you struggling with relationships? Are you trying to decide what you want your life to be all about and what you truly value? Are you dealing with concerns that you consider spiritual in nature? Are you struggling with your relationship with God, or beliefs about God? All these concerns fall within the purview of an existential approach.

Conclusion

These ten points merely scratch the surface on all that existential literature touches. Likewise, these ten points or themes are interconnected. Exploring self/identity will invariably lead people to take stock of their lives, interpersonal relationships, and personal values. Explorations of meaning and purpose connect all the themes that existentialists might explore in various ways. The choices we make, how we navigate time, develop intimacy, and the manner in which we face anxieties brought on by living will lead to various contemplations about our personal lives, others, and God – about all the things we say we believe and value. Existentialism is about existence. That is, existentialism is about living.

John V. Jones, Jr., Ph.D., LPC-S/October 13, 2013

PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING

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Transitions: Age and Retirement

[Key Words: age, retirement, transitions, four dimensions, time, finitude]

[This is the first of a series of articles I intend to write regarding various transitions we face in our lives. Besides Age & Retirement, other transitions include such experiences as marriage/divorce, changing/losing jobs, entering/exiting the job market for the first time, and then facing our own finitude, be it through the death of a loved one, or staring in the face of our remaining years. I will discuss how an existential approach to life can address transitions in living.]

Introduction: Transitions in the Flow of Life

At 65 years old, I’m beginning to understand the full force of what it means when people say, “Life is about transitions.” Fortunately, or unfortunately (perhaps both), I’m also beginning to understand what people mean when they talk about how they now realize what lessons for living they have missed along the way. And finally, rather than getting stuck on the fact that I have missed lessons along life’s path, I’m beginning to understand the potency of the statement, “Time starts now.” I wish it hadn’t taken me so many years to realize some  of the things I will discuss in this article, but I have a feeling that such time-learned lessons are part of living. So it has taken me years to realize some things. To accept such facts rather than deny them is another important lesson for living.

We all face transitions in life and continual opportunities to learn lessons about living, particularly lessons about pursuing and carving out the kind of life we desire for ourselves. As a counselor, I have come to believe that the thrust of counseling is about helping people come to grips with who they are, determining how they want to live, and finding ways to navigate the many transitions they face in life, learning lessons and making meaning of all these experiences along the way. In short, I view counseling as a journey with clients as they figure out for themselves how to achieve a fulfilling life.

Transitions in our lives come about for a variety of reasons. We may choose them, or they may be thrust upon us through events out of our control. Even when we choose them, we may be thrown headlong into experiences we didn’t anticipate. How we make sense of these transitions and imbue them with meaning contribute to how well we will navigate them and work through them. These experiences represent the many struggles of living. Sometimes they are minor struggles; other times they are major ones. Without intending to delineate an objective list of transitions, I want to discuss how an existential approach to counseling can enable clients to work through some of the recurring transitions that people tend to encounter and bring into the counseling room. . This first article of an intended series that I have entitled, Transitions, focuses on age and retirement.

Exploring the Meaning of Age and Retirement

We value work in our culture. At a core level, many people view career as a major part of their identity. “I’m an accountant . . . a teacher . . . a doctor . . . etc,” are statements we hear constantly, and ones we have most likely said about ourselves to others. Productivity is a core value associated with work and career. [Although most of us would not distinguish work from career, for some people work is a way to get by and pay bills while they pursue other things in life more important to them. Their career may entail fulfilling activities for which they do not get paid.] No one likes to believe or feel on some level that he or she is unproductive. Moreover, many of us pursue a career in order to contribute , make a difference, or establish some kind of legacy. For others, work is a means to the end of pursuing more fulfilling experiences. Whatever the role work and career fulfill for us, when we face that time when we will no longer be working and producing as we have been, we cannot help but encounter a major transition in our lives. Some people navigate this transition rather seamlessly, having planned well along the way. Other people find that retirement and growing older is an event that they never saw as being just around the corner. They turn one of those many perceived endless corners of life, and there it is: I’m 65 years old.

What the hell happens to time? Time is a major theme in existential thought. What have I done with my time? How much time do I have left? Why is it that I never seem to have enough time? These are common questions or thoughts that people have about the ominous presence of time. We are not only ensconced in space, but we are embedded in time as well. Consequently, individuals enter counseling to deal with the struggle of what this transition will mean for them. They may state their struggle in terms of, “If I’m not a productive person, then what good am I?” Or they may ponder the notion, “Since I’ve been working all these years, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my time now.”

Age, Retirement, and the Four Dimensions of Existential Psychotherapy

The experience of growing older and retiring from work can be conceptualized along all four dimensions of existential therapy, as delineated by Emmy van Deurzen. In the physical realm, age takes a toll on us in that we cannot do the things we used to do. At 65, I can vouch for that. Those pick-up touch football games ceased many years ago. Although I can still work a twelve-to-fourteen hour day, it takes much more out of me than it used to. I have always had a love for driving. I would drive to other cities in other states just to visit them, taking in a twelve to thirteen hour driving day. I no longer can do that, nor can I any longer go on four hours of sleep and get up and face the day full of energy. Moreover, as our fall and winter years approach, we will most likely face some health concerns. So the physical realm definitely raises its unwanted head as we age. Existential therapy helps people come to grips with this physical reality.

In the social arena, age and retirement impact us no less than in the physical dimension. Relationships change; some relationships, such as co-worker relations, might end altogether. Spending more time at home throws spouses or significant others into a different daily routine. Being together more hours of the day presents a transition that people must learn to navigate. If one member of a couple continues to work, that individual may have to deal with the emotional fallout experienced by the retired loved one. Tighter budgets mean that people may not be able to do all the activities they had previously enjoyed. Finances (another issue altogether, no matter what people’s age happens to be) are a constant point of concern and can threaten a family’s wellbeing during later years. Families change, friendships change, activities change, – life altogether changes as people age and retire from their pursued work or careers.

The arena of the personal dimension is the one that most likely takes the hardest hit during this transition. As I stated previously, people in our culture attach meaning, purpose, value, and personal fulfillment to their work or career. All of us have heard that damning phrase, out to pasture. No one likes or agrees that such an epitaph should, like an albatross, be hung around anyone’s neck who has reached retirement. The phrase is an insult. Nonetheless, on a personal level, many of us struggle with what our retirement years mean. And given the cultural value of work, we can’t help but question our personal value if we are no longer producing. Value, identity, and personal meaning can take a severe blow during this transition if we accept as paramount the cultural value placed on youth and productivity.

The spiritual dimension speaks more directly to meaning making, and trying to make sense of our lives as we approach retirement is a meaning-making activity. Indeed, much of therapy may revolve around the struggle of how clients will interpret this time of their lives. Many people, as in all areas of their lives, will bring their religious and/or spiritual values to bear on this experience to help them navigate it. Through counseling, clients can also draw on their spiritual beliefs to help them find strength during this time of their lives. They may, in fact, explore the question: How can I make this transition a time of opportunity rather than one of restricted living? Although age and retirement may mean an end to certain experiences, there is no reason that this transition should mean simply an end. People can view this time of life as a path to explore rather than an existence that has corralled them.

Moreover, this timeframe for our existence can be a fruitful time for people to take stock and reflect on their lives, the many lessons they have learned along the way, and how even the ones they missed have served them somehow. Such reflection may involve some pain and disappointment, but, as well, it can also bring about joy and fulfillment. Taking stock of our lives is a major theme in existential therapy. At times I personally experience the thought that I would like to go back to my younger years, knowing what I know now. Not only does such a fantasy rob life of its learning, but it also cheats life, as well, of living. Such a dream speaks to the age old desire to capture lost time, learning lessons at a time we would have preferred to learn them, or, even worse, wanting a life where there is no struggle, which is the very experience that generates our learning and personal growth. Such a desire misses the point that time starts now. The Christian mystic, Thomas A’ Kempis, in his renowned work, The Imitation of Christ, wisely stated, “When you think of those things you would have done earlier in life but didn’t do them, do them now.” Such an understanding of living does not mean that we do not have a past that impacts us. But it does mean that we can waste the remaining time we do have by thinking that somehow we can alter our past, or even worse, pining over how we wish our past would have been different.

Age, Retirement and the Specter of Death

And finally, coming to grips with this time of life brings us to the theme that is ever hauntingly present in our existence. Aging and diminishing capacities mean that we are approaching that mysterious experience that poses many questions but few answers. We are all going to die. And although this theme cuts across the various dimensions of existence, we tend to grapple with it along personal and spiritual means. At 65 years of age, and given the thrown-ness of my humanity, family history, and genetics, I realize that more than three-quarters of my life is done. This is not a transition that I relish to contemplate. Yet, though we would rather avoid the subject altogether, life calls on us to reflect on such realities. Paraphrasing the Logotherapist, Viktor Frankl, what matters is not what we demand of life, but what life demands of us. How do we want to approach these final years? Do we quail under the weight of our destinies? Or do we continue to live fully to the finish? These challenges, questions, and struggles are ones we face ourselves, and as therapists, we can sit with our clients as they face them as well.

Conclusion

There are many other ways to view and navigate the transition of age and retirement. First, who says one MUST retire? Some people may choose to work until they finish. Nor does retirement have to mean that productivity ceases. There are a multitude of ways to be productive in addition to one’s career. Moreover, there are a multitude of ways to understand productivity. As difficult as it may seem, a conversation about this transition is not merely for people approaching retirement age. Talking about this transition to younger people can help them begin to think about how they want to enter their autumn years. Although nothing can be perfectly predicted and planned for, there is a place for thinking about one’s latter years earlier in life. That is one of those lessons of life I wish I had learned at an earlier age. Yet at the same time, to excessively ruminate about such things can freeze people up rather than propelling them to live. How we come to grips with our final destiny can either weigh us down or enliven us. More importantly, the thought of coming to grips with our humanity and its finitude should free us to live NOW. To pine away and constantly commiserate on the fact that we’re going to die equates to a waste of time and living.

Age and retirement represent one of the many types of transitions that individuals face in life. People can engage a contemplative and reflective approach to counseling, such as an existential approach, to help them navigate this transition in more fulfilling ways. There are no guarantees that all people will face this transition in a healthy and fulfilling manner. But the opportunity for them to do so is there if they choose to explore and leave open the many options by which people can embrace life. Whether or not they retire from their career, people can choose to push on, the best way they can, to a fulfilling finish.

John V. Jones, Jr., Ph.D., LPC-S/September 14, 2013  

PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING: Transitions       

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What Is Existential Psychotherapy?

[Key Words: existentialism, contemplation, action, values, value system, angst, decision point, commitment, courage]

Introduction

What does an existential approach to counseling entail? Existentialism is one of those half-dollar words that produces images of the halls of academia, philosophers sitting in their study, or men and women having coffee in Parisian cafes. What I offer here is one – my – perspective on trying to answer the question of what existential counseling involves. My answer to the question, What is existential psychotherapy?, is one of many. There is no one way to work existentially in counseling.

Existntialism Is about Existence

The approach I take, as a therapist, is fairly simple, straightforward, and concrete. From my perspective, existentialism is about existence. Existence is about our lives, about living our lives, making decisions about our lives, exploring meaning for our lives, striving to establish our values, and making a commitment to live by the values that we claim to hold.

Explorations along these lines can, and will, involve the many angles and perspectives with which we approach living. It may sound simple to answer the question: What are my values? However, as we delve into our understanding of what we claim to value, we may find that the answers do not flow from us so easily. We value many things. We may never have reflected on what our core values may be – those that we would prioritize over all other values, those that are foundational to any other values we hold. We may not have contemplated all that much on exactly what, in fact, our values are. We may have an intuitive sense of them. We may have some understanding of how some of the ways we act on life do reflect what we value. But we may have never dealt with the question of what ultimate values we claim to hold, and how they reflect the way we live. Such reflections involve our taking stock of our value system.

A Time to Reflect

Consequently, one side of an existential approach to counseling is the contemplative side. Counseling entails a place to set aside some time to explore, contemplate (reflect upon), and clarify what it is that we actually believe and value. Other reflections and explorations may arise from this process, dealing with such questions as: 1) Does the way I live my life reflect what I claim to value? 2) If not, what is it that prevents me from living in full alignment with what I say I value? 3) Have I truly followed out and pursued the kind of life I want to live? 4) Do I, in fact, truthfully value what I say I value, or have I unthinkingly inculcated values from others without owning them for myself? These and many other questions may arise in the contemplative work of an existential approach to counseling. Hence, the title of this website: Contemplations: Center for Existential Psychotherapy.

A Time to Act

Having addressed the contemplative work of existential counseling, we should not assume that such an approach merely involves sitting around and reflecting or contemplating. We must also come to grips with the other side of an existential approach that involves the equally important experience of acting. Life appears to be a dialectic between contemplation and action. It’s not that we line all our ducks up in a row, and then perfectly know what to do. The work of contemplation and action is an ongoing process. One purpose of an existential approach is to help clients ACT on what they have reflected upon and clarified. Hence, there is a decision point many times in existential work. Some existentialists call this decision point, commitment. Explorations of our values will most likely lead to our making changes in our lives. If i say I value a certain way of living, then I will commit to that way of living. If I do not make such a commitment, then I need to ask whether or not I truly value what I say I value. Consequently, existential work is a continual movement between contemplation and action. But contemplation without action can be a waste of time. People can become mired in thinking without ever acting on their thoughts and beliefs. Rather than contemplation, people fall into the habit of rumination. Existential work involves the challenge to act on what we say we believe. People enter therapy to change something in their lives. Changes do not happen most of the time without commitment to change. The only time that such inaction may make sense is when people conclude that they really do not want to change. They may have thought they wanted to change. But when they understood more fully what change entails, they decided, instead, that change is really not for them. This decision point, as any other, is a legitimate place for commitment – saying no to specific changes.

The Courage to Change

An existential approach does not proffer change as something necessarily easy and comfortable. Change can be scary and anxiety-ridden. Such anxiety is what existentialists call angst. Breaking inveterate habits is difficult work. The role of the therapist is to be a guide for the individual who wants to explore his or her life and make changes that may involve tough navigations and journeys. There are no guarantees as to what lies ahead on the road of change. One change may lead to many others. We may regret some changes, only to find other changes that are more fruitful for us. Because there are no guarantees that change will work out the way we exactly want it to, existentialists speak of the courage to change. Change involves risk and failure, as well as success. Yet many find that the risk of living in alignment with their values is worth the effort. Living in such alignment is the task of living out who we are.

Conclusion

In summary, existential work involves explorations of beliefs and values and commitment to acting on those clarified beliefs and values. Existential work may indeed involve a choice point, a decision point, at which time a person makes an effort to commit to a chosen set of values, to make a change in one’s life, to begin living by what one claims to value, or to make changes in one’s value system. And finally, there are no guarantees that change will work out as people might have pictured it to fall in place. The unknown road of change contains many curves and obstacles. But one thing we can know is that not acting will most likely not produce change. Existential work is the challenge to explore one’s life, establish one’s values, and live those values out the best way one can, with the understanding that we cannot know what both the beginning and the end of the road looks like all at once.  Change, major change, requires courage.

John V. Jones, Jr., Ph.D., LPC -S/August 1, 2013

PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING